The date was December 16, 1944 and the temperature that particular day, was well below freezing. The 106th infantry division of the United States Army was marching through the heavily forested Ardennes Mountains of Belgium on this day, unknowingly into the bloodiest battle the US would see in WWII. This battle, now known as the Battle of the Bulge, claimed the lives of over 81,000 American soldiers and 100,000 German soldiers. It was an absolute massacre, and the 106th division had no idea what they were about to be getting themselves into.
I know a Vietnam vet that, as you, had to shoot and kill a child, as many warriors have had to do. He carried her around inside for over 30 years. He, as you was tormented. After many years, his therapist suggested that he have a figurative funeral for her. It so happened the next week his long in pain very old mother died. He went to her funeral and figuratively laid the little girl in his mother’s arms for her to take care of her forever. Immediately he felt better. As time passed, with each time he remembered laying the little girl in his mother’s arms he felt better. Perhaps you can do the same in your mind. Use your spirituality in this one. Find a spiritual caretaker for the child. (Remember, retrain the brain is what this is all about)
In Dartmouth, despite his growing popularity and renown as an astute wit and party man, Ted continued to remain aloof. Said one classmate: "He was not gregarious in the sense of hail-fellow-well-met; there was no sense of self-importance about him. But when he walked into a room it was like magician's act. Birds flew out of his hands, and endless bright scarves and fireworks. Everything became brighter, happier, funnier. And he didn't try. Everything Ted did seemed to be a surprise, even to him."